The Final Freedom
by SpanishMonkeys
Summary: Nothing can get more American than Alfred F. Jones, Detective Heart of America. However, when the good ol' US of A is bought and slowly starts fading from existence, it's up to him and his allies to save the country. Along the way he meets friends, gains enemies, and learns what it really means to be American.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey! It's been a while since I posted, so here I am! I really hope you enjoy this one, although it is dialogue heavy. It was originally in script format, but apparently that's not allowed. So then I had to rewrite the chapter. Human names will be used, although most of the time they will refer to each other as some crazy nickname or something. If you have any questions or want something cleared up, please send me a PM! I won't be replying to reviews in the story but I will be more than happy to answer your questions! And also, if you want me to continue, please tell me! Okay, so I think that's it. Ramble over :P Enjoy!**

 **PS: Nothing belongs to me. Nothing, ya hear?**

Our story begins on a bright sunny day in a beautiful forested area. Birds faintly call to each other in the distance. The hero of this tale, Alfred F. Jones, stands in the clearing with a walkie-talkie in hand.

"Hello? Hello, come in Black Sheep! Black Sheep, are you there?" he asked. A distinctly English accent replied.

"Hey, screw off."

"What's wrong Black Sheep?"

"What is that, some racist shit?"

"Code names man, we gotta use code names on the walkie-talkies!"

"Uh huh." The tone was very skeptical.

"That way the stupid Germans can't intercept our signal."

"I don't think there's any Germans out here…"

"Dude, there could be Germans!"

"In South Florida?"

"Man, there's a ton of Germans in Florida, what are you talking about?"

Alfred could almost feel Arthur rolling his eyes when he replied

"Hey Germans! This is Arthur Kirkland."

"Bro, our cover bro!" Alfred exclaimed, nervously glancing around the area for Germans. Arthur continued proving his point.

"I'm a cop. ID number 2945. We're looking for you."

"Bro, Black Sheep, bro."

Arthur sighed. "Look, why are even here?"

"Some engineers stole a bunch of NASA shit, and I'm trackin' em down!"

"And they're just hanging out in the woods?"

"I got a hunch, bro. My American senses are going all eagle wild. Don't you get like English tingles or something?"

There was a pause.

"Bro?"

Another pause. Dread started to pool in Alfred's stomach.

"Bro? Come in, bro. Black Sheep, come in. Agent Bond. Arthur."

All of his calls go unanswered. Suddenly, he's hit with a realization. He could feel the colour drain from his face.

"Oh shit, the Germans! I knew it! I'm coming Arthur!"

Alfred bolted from his position and wildly ran through the foliage, searching and calling for his colleague.

"Arthur? Iggy, where are you? I'm sorry for calling you Black Sheep, but there are so many English names that I know, you know?"

The hero burst into a clearing, only to stand face to face with a roadblock. The person stood right next to a metal platform. Gears whirred and metal poles extended straight into the sky.

"Oh hello," he said.

"Hey, have you seen any Germans around here?" Alfred asked, unsure if the person was good, bad, or just plain insane.

At Alfred's question, the person stares straight into his soul and says in a deathly serious tone,

"I AM the Germans."

The heavy feeling in Alfred's stomach increased tenfold. "Oh shit, no way."

"My name is Ludwig. I'm an engineer. Ever since I was the tiniest German, I had a dream. A dream to build the world's first space elevator."

"Oh shit, you're the Germans AND the NASA thief!" Alfred pointed accusingly at Ludwig.

"NASA was planning on constructing a space elevator themselves. If they did, how could I build the FIRST space elevator? I'd have to build the second space elevator. That is not my dream.

"Okay, well, I've got to like, bring you to jail now."

"Your friend, Arthur. He's my first payload."

"What does that mean?! Did you Holocaust Black Sheep?"

A weak voice came from the walkie-talkie still held tightly in America's hand. "Heart of America, are you there?"

Alfred brought the walkie-talkie up in surprise.

"Arthur! Where are you? Are you a ghost?"

Arthur's voice grew stronger as he said "You're not going to believe this. I don't know what happened, but I can see the earth."

Confused, Alfred replied "Yeah, I can see the earth too, Arthur. It's pretty much everywhere."

"I'm in space, you twat. I don't know what to do."

"I feel really good about today." Ludwig said dreamily.

"How does Arthur get down?!" Alfred frantically asked the German.

"Oh, I just have to push the down button."

There was an awkward pause.

"Oh. Cool. Could you do that?"

"Ja. I've got it in my truck. Hold on, I'll be right back."

"Okay, thanks."

Alfred watched Ludwig walk into the encompassing trees. There was another pause until Arthur spoke up.

"So, what's going on down there?"

"Ludwig just left to grab the down button."

"Who's Ludwig?"

"The NASA thief."

Alfred heard Arthur slap his forehead. "Alfred, he probably just left!"

"Ooooh, you're right! I forgot he was a friggin German!"

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to suffocate soon if I don't get down. I don't think there's any air up here."

"Just jump, bro."

"I'm not going to jump!" Arthur exclaimed indignantly.

"Come on, I'll catch you; I've got eagle speed."

"I am higher than you think."

"Nah."

There was another short pause as Arthur tried to process Alfred's statement.

"Nah?"

"It's the only way, man. Ludwig is gone, and I don't know how to work a space elevator. Just jump and I'll eagle catch you."

Arthur sighed. "Alright. You really better catch me though."

"I've caught so many things, dude. My hands are constantly in catch pose; that's how serious I am about catching stuff."

"All right, here I go. I'm jumping!"

Arthur jumped. There was a pause. Ludwig returned.

"Hey, I pushed the button, it should be coming down any minute now."

"Oh. That's okay, I mean Arthur just jumped out."

Ludwig stared at Alfred like he had grown two heads. "what"

"He jumped out. I'm going to catch him. With my eagle speed."

"He's probably going to land miles from here."

"What?"

"There's like wind and stuff."

Alfred considered. "Oh yeah."

"Don't worry, I put a tracking device on him. I'll just get it from my truck."

"Oh cool. Thanks."

Ludwig left again. There was a long pause as Alfred stared at the space elevator until he was hit with another realization.

"Oh god dammit, I let the Germans get away again! I should probably go home before I let even more Germans escape."

Alfred left the forest and started the long trek home.


	2. Chapter 2

Alfred arrived in his modest suburban home. He collapsed on the couch, letting out a deep sigh of relief. His relief was short lived, however, as his phone started ringing. Scowling, he reached into his pocket and held the phone up to his ear.

"Detective Heart of America, the greatest hero out there!" He called out as a greeting.

"HEART OF AMERICA, ZIS IS ZHE AWESOMEST CHIEF OF POLICE!"

"Yeah, I mean, I assume."

"WE'VE GOT AN EMERGENCY! VE NEED YOU ON ZHE CASE IMMEDIATELY!"

"You know, you're the only one who ever calls me. I think I might be lonely, chief."

"LISTEN TO ME! SOMEONE IS BUYING AMERICA!"

"What?!"

"SOME IS BUYING ZHE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!"

"How can someone buy America?"

"THEY'RE BUYING ZHE DEBT FROM CHINA! ALL OF IT!"

"It's like a zillion dollars, dude, how is that even possible?"

"ZHEY'RE PAYING FOR IT….IN coin!"

"coin? What's a coin?"

"HOLD ON, I'M SENDING YOU A TAPE!"

An old cassette tape slammed through the roof, landing right in front of Alfred with no apparent damage.

"Got it."

"ZHE TAPE VILL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING! EVERYTHIIING!"

"Okay."

Alfred took the tape and threw it into the TV. There was a bright flash, and the video started playing.

"coin and you!" The announcer announced in the stereotypical announcer voice. "Why YOU should be using the only FREE currency!"

Text flashed across the screen that read 'Paid for by the Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams Foundation.' The announcer continued.

"Greetings financial wizards, industry leaders, and curious spectators, and welcome to the FUTURE! Yes, we're living in a high-tech cyber world where just about everything is digital. The cinema has gone digital, radio is digital, why even love is digital. So then why with the whole world going digital, are we still using dirty, crazy, non-digital government money? That dollar bill in your pocket? A Nazi probably touched that after jerking off. That deposit in your bank account? It's still floating out there in the world somewhere. Your dollar, covered in Nazi boner germs. Luckily, the world of tomorrow has finally become today, so there's another way to spend and save money without the involvement of the government OR the Nazis. coin is that way!

Created in 2009, a mysterious programmer only known by an anonymous pseudonym, coin is a purely digital currency that uses complicated cryptographic science to generate lots of super hard math problems. These math problems are converted by computers around the world in seemingly random strings of numbers that some people have decided to pretend that stands for a highly volatile potential sum of money. Solving these math problems is called MINING, and you can do it right at home on your very own personal computer. Although the electrical cost of calculating one coin could actually be higher than the value of that coin! But don't worry, the coin market is bubbling up rapidly, as you'll be making a healthy profit in some unknown amount of time! You see, coins aren't backed by any real-world items, such as gold or via a governing body like the Federal Reserve. So the value of a coin is entirely bubble based. But what a bubble it can be! Without the new sense of regulation or real-world value, a single coin can be worth anything from negative infinity to infinity billions of dollars. Why, imagine if it even reaches half of that.

So what can you buy with a coin? Well, it's true that the untraceable nature of coins is meant that a substantial part of the coin market has been used for heroine, methamphetamines, child pornography, and assassination contracts. But you can also spend your coins on gambling sites and Holiday Inn Express Brooklyn! Where you'll get a complimentary buffet breakfast! Yum! So whether you're a libertarian, or just want to spend your money like one, consider converting your wallet to a coin wallet. Who knows how much it'll be worth tomorrow? It could be anything!"

There was a pause.

"I still don't get it at all," Alfred said.

"SOMEONE HAS A ZILLION coinS AND IS USING THOSE coinS TO BUY ZHE UNITED STAES FROM CHINA!"

"Oooh," Alfred voiced in realization. "Nice summary, chief."

"I NEED YOU TO FIND OUT WHO! AND STOP ZHEM! RIGHT NOW!"

"Shouldn't this be like, a federal issue? I'm not even 100 percent sure I'm a real cop."

"AMERICA IS COUNTING ON YOU, HEART OF AMERICA!"

"Okay, cool, well whatever, I'll take the case."

"OH THANK GOODNESS! I WAS ON ZHE EDGE OF MY SEAT!"

"Oh by the way: Happy Birthday chief!"

"OH MY GOD YOU REMEMBERED!"

"Of course chief! I even baked you a big chocolate cake!"

"THAT'S MY FAVOURITE! CHOCOLATE IS MY FAVOURITE!"

"I ate a piece already though, so I guess I'll just mail the rest to you."

"YOU'RE ZHE ONLY ONE WHO REMEBERS! EVEN MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T BOZHER CALL-"

The chief was cut off as Alfred hung up and threw his phone on the couch.

 _If you want to track down a criminal, sometimes the best place to start is with another criminal. So I'll just check in on an old friend,_ Alfred thought as he approached an old, abandoned garage, still filled to the brim with junk. He continued reminiscing. _A baby. A criminal baby. Last time we talked, I beat him with a large boot. I savagely beat a baby with a boot. I guess we're not really friends._

Cautiously, Alfred searched for the baby criminal in the mass of old cars and boxes of useless items.

"Hello? Hello, is there a baby in here? This is the police."

A loud bang resonated around the corner. Alfred rushed to the source, gun raised.

"Get on the floor!" Alfred shouted.

"Oh," he said, upon realizing that no one was in sight. "Uh, hello? I know there's a goddamn baby somewhere here."

Suddenly, a loud crash was heard as a red blur flew through the air and landed in a pile of boxes.

"Hey!" Alfred shouted, running over. "Hey!"

There was nothing there. Confused, Alfred gazed around the garage. The red blur rose into Alfred's line of sight and disappeared again, landing with a resounding crash to the floor.

"Stop it!"

The blur zoomed underneath a car, again colliding with more junk in the way.

"Oh my god, what part of "Stop it!' do you not understand?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe the problem is that you think I'm some sort of babyyyyyy?"

The mysterious voice got louder as what once was the red blur rounded the corner, revealing what sort of looked like a dirt covered baby. It really didn't look like a baby however; it looked more like a 15-year-old awkwardly vibrating in what seemed like fear.

"I'M JUST A STUPID SCARED BABYYYYYYYY," it whined.

"I knew it!" Alfred exclaimed, raising his gun. "You ARE the baby!"

"Well if I'm some sort of baby, why do I have THIS?" the baby raised a Nerf gun and fired. The foam dart bounced off Alfred, who stared at it disdainfully.

"The shit was that?"

"It's just my stupid baby toyyy."

Alfred shook his head and lowered his gun.

"Alright, look baby, I came here because I need some info. I don't want to fight you."

"Well, I'm just a stupid baby running a legitimate car-thing business, I don't know anythiiiing."

"Drop the act, baby! You were born a criminal, and recently."

"What? Noooooo."

"Someone's buying America, baby. And I gotta find out who."

There was a dramatic pause as the baby stared at Alfred.

"Oh, is that what this is about?"

"Yeah, you know something?"

"You'd want to talk with Ivan"

Alfred felt the colour drain from his face.

"Ivan?! I shot that guy in the face!"

"Uh, yeah, he's fine now."

"Where is he? I though he was dead."

"I don't know, I'm just a stupid babyyyyy. But I do know someone who works for him."

"Okay."

"Follow the Ukraniaaaaaan."

There was a pause.

"What Ukrainian?"

"Follow the Ukraniaaaaaaan."

"Which one? Aren't there like two?"

"I think there only is onnnee."

There was another awkward pause as Alfred tried to digest what was just said.

"What?"

"FOLLOW THE UKRANIAAAAANN."

"Is that all you're gonna say?"

"I DON'T KNOW," the baby yelled. It fell flat on its face and was dragged away by some invisible force.

Confused to no end, Alfred left the garage.


	3. Chapter 3

_It turns out there only IS one Ukrainian. And I've found her. She's just sitting in front of her house, staring into the night,_ Alfred mused. He had hid in the bushes of the forest a few feet away, spying on the rather busty woman sitting on the front porch of her house. She stared straight ahead, the porchlight illuminating her figure. Alfred continued his musing.

 _It's been hours. I really want a burger. Or some Dunkaroos. Do they still make Dunkaroos?_

The Ukrainian was completely still, almost as if she were a statue.

 _God, she's so…creepy. I wonder what she's thinking about. Probably bugs and stuff. Do Ukrainians eat bugs? I could go for a bug right now. Oh! She's moving!_

Sure enough, the Ukrainian tipped sideways and somehow dragged herself into the night, even though she wasn't moving any of her limbs.

 _Alright. The following begins,_ Alfred thought, quietly getting up and moving from his position, keeping a good distance behind his target, though not far enough to lose her in the dark.

The target dragged herself along a dirt path, creating a trail behind her.

 _Where are you headed, Ukrainian? Maybe to Ivan to do some crimes? Maybe to Walmart to pick up a Dr. Pepper, who knows? I guess we'll find out._

 _What lies beyond this gate you climb, I wonder? Is it the entrance to your unholy criminal syndicate?_

Alfred's quarry scooted up the gate, and flopped over the edge, landing to the ground with an unceremonious thump. She reached a small children's playground.

 _Oh, it's like a little park. Okay. But that's still weird, what are you doing at a park at like, 3 in the morning?_

There was a pause as Alfred watched.

 _Oh, you're just, going down the slide. Okay._

Confused as ever, Alfred follows the Ukrainian back to the same porch she had been sitting on 20 minutes earlier.

 _Back home?! You head out at 3 in the morning just to go down a slide?! That's sounds like something a vampire would do!_

"CHECKMATE, Heart of America!" A voice yelled from behind him. Alfred whirled around to face a young blond person with glasses carrying a laptop under one arm.

"Whoa!"

"That's right, it is I, Chessmate! I've tracked you down yet again!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"I am mentally superior to you in every way, you know! And even ways that you DON'T know."

"Keep your voice down, I'm on a stakeout!"

"I think there is only ONE way to settle our rivalry."

Despite Alfred's protests, Chessmate didn't keep his voice down. The Ukrainian straightened up and turned her head toward the oblivious arguing pair.

"I really don't know who you are."

"I challenge you to a GAME OF CHESS! The ultimate match of wits!"

"Quit talking so loud!"

"Hey!" a new voice called out. Alfred and Chessmate whirled around to face the source; the Ukrainian was staring right at them.

"I totally see you!"

"What? Noo…" Alfred denied.

"You're like, right there!"

"So what? It's America. I can trespass on your property all I want!"

"As can I, Chessmate! Master of minds! A brain-wolf amongst bird-sheep!"

"I'm gonna tell Ivan!"

"Mention me as well, please," Chessmate added.

"Hey, what if I gave you like, a bunch of Applebee's gift cards I haven't used yet, would you still tell him?" Alfred asked. There was a moment of silence as the Ukrainian pondered the question. Finally, she responded

"No."

There was another hesitant silence.

"Really?"

Another pause.

"No."

"God dammit, Ukrainian!"

"My name is Madison Square Garden!"

"Oh."

"My mom named me after a zebra that got loose and trampled a bunch of children in Madison Square Garden."

"Oh jeez."

"She said when I was born, she accidentally stepped all over me, and so I reminded her of that."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"So that's where I'm at so far in the case."

Alfred sat in a small woven chair across from Arthur, who looked a little worse for wear. They both were in Arthur's backyard, enjoying the sun.

"Sorry it's not going better," Arthur apologized.

"I don't really know what to do now. I interviewed a baby, yelled at a Ukrainian… And thus, I am at a dead end."

"Yeah, where do you go from there?"

"So how are you doing, man? What happened after I didn't catch and went home, and didn't follow up at all?"

"Oh, Ludwig tracked me down and brought me to a hospital. Luckily I landed in a mattress factory. Unfortunately, I hit the roof and the factory was run by wolves and cobras."

"Jeez, what a day that was, huh?"

"I only dream I nightmares now."

Suddenly, someone else spoke up, speaking in a very elegant and flamboyant accent.

"Oh, don't you worry about Arthur, I'm taking care of him until he gets nice and strong again."

"Yeah, Francis insisted he stay with me until I can get back to work."

"I got to make sure my Arthur's okay, and make sure his garden stays good and healthy while he recovers."

"That's a garden?" Alfred asked, incredulous.

"No, it's just weeds. Francis is being an asshole."

"I'm so proud of my Arthur, look at this beautiful garden he's got back here. So lush and vibrant."

"Come on, Francis."

"So many beautiful flowers. Oh your parents would be proud, Arthur."

"They were florists," Arthur said to Alfred.

"Oh."

"Are you enjoying your Hawaiian punch, Heart of America?"

"Yes, Francis, thank you."

"Oh please, just call me Gorslax."

"Gorslax?"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Gorslax is a fifth-dimensional demigod. I call him Francis to piss him off."

"Oh."

"All it really means is every once in a while, I got to consume the blood of the wicked to refill my energy well."

"Why have we never talked about your family before?" Alfred asked.

"We don't really talk," Arthur replied.

"Yeah, I guess we don't. I don't really talk with anyone, besides the chief and criminals and stuff."

"This job can be pretty consuming."

"Yeah. I don't really know who I'd be without it."

"Oh dear, it seems like old Gorslax has gotten himself stuck again," the demigod said as he tried to untangle himself from the overgrown weeds.

"You need help, Francis?"

"Oh no, don't you worry Arthur. I've gotten myself out of worse."

"Okay."

"I can't screw this case up, Arthur. Who knows what could happen if someone BUYS America. What if they change the name? Would I have to change MY name?"

"There's still laws and the constitution and stuff. It can't go that wrong, can it?"

"Oh no, I've got myself stuck in a tree now, dearest me," Gorslax called.

"Do you want me to eagle you down?" Alfred asked.

"Oh don't you worry about me, I got myself into this mess; I'm going to get myself out."

"This happens a lot," Arthur sighed, exasperated.

"Hey Gorslax!" Alfred called. "You're a fifth-dimensional demigod, do you have any tips for tracking down a criminal?"

"Well, when I need to find a wicked soul upon which to feast, I usually go to my friend Ulathar, who opens up my mind all crazy-like and gives me metaphorical visions of what it is I seek."

"Ulathar?"

"Yeah, he's a cosmic Dala horse of infinite knowledge, one of many. I'll get you his information."

"Perfect!" Alfred yelled. "I'm back on the trail!"

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light.

"Oh no, I seem to have gotten myself stuck in a time vortex again, heavens be," Gorslax commented.

"Whoa!"

"You need me to get the net?" Arthur asked.

"Oh no Arthur, don't worry about old Gorslax, I got myself stuck in this spiraling vortex; I got to get myself out."

"Ulathar, Oh great Dala horse of infinite knowledge, I have been sent by Gorslax to receive a vision that might help in my quest to save America the Beautiful," Alfred proclaimed. He was standing front of the intricately decorated red horse in a darkened warehouse.

"'s k'h f'l'r h''rt l'v'," Ulathar replied.

There was an awkward pause.

"Oh yeah?"

"'l k''d f'sk g't 'v'rth'ng."

"Is that a language? Are you talking to me?"

"B'tch ''m t'lk'n' t' y'' l''k m' 'n th' '''s y'' shr'mp d'ck f'ck n'gg't."

"Are you so much smarter than me I can't comprehend anything you say or are you having a medical issue?"

"'d j''p r''y t' 's''g g''ng d'd n't."

"Alright, well, I'm going to assume this is how the conversation is supposed to go."

"''g y'' d''d h'y f'd'sk g'. ''d k'd g' h'z'ng 'sd'y'g."

"Should I close my eyes? Is that a thing I need to do to get my vision?"

"R'trs' 'g'r f'g ' h'd f'g."

"I'll take that as a compliment on my insightfulness, and a yes. Closing my eyes now."

And that is exactly what Alfred did.

At first, he saw nothing. But then his vision flashed. He was watching some sort of standoff in some sort of sand pit. There was an eagle, looking around wildly. It froze as it caught its eyes on another eagle. The opponent looked like an eagle version of Uncle Sam, red white and blue pinstriped and starred suit to go with it. It was standing very confidently. The Uncle Sam eagle stared at its rival; it slowly lifted a finger and pointed. The normal eagle gestured to itself, as if asking "Me?!"

All of a sudden, a sword appeared in the Uncle Sam eagle's hand. Looking down, the normal eagle realized it had a sword in its hand, too. There was a tense pause. They charged.

Alfred jerked awake.

"Well I don't get it."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm surprised. This got more popularity than I expected. Thanks to Swillei and megan . heng . 568 for being the first reviewers! Now, on with the story!**

Alfred went back home, dejected at his lack of a lead.

"Why am I so bad at this?!" he asked himself, clutching at his hair. "And why did I eat that whole cake that I was supposed to send to the chief?"

"Oh hey asshole, how's it going?" a voice shouted.

"Oh shit, it's Ivan!" Alfred whirled around to face someone's muscular chest. "Wait, hold on a minute." He looked up.

"Oh shit, it's Ivan!"

"I hear you've been creeping on my Ukrainian sister," Ivan said.

"I wasn't creeping! I was hiding in the bushes, waiting for hours."

"Okay, well, that sounds pretty creepy."

"I'm asking the questions here!"

"I haven't asked you anything, comrade."

"Oh. Do you want to ask me something?"

"Sure. Why are you looking for me, asshole?"

"Someone's trying to buy America! And I think YOU know something about it!"

There was a pause.

"Oh, so that's what this is about?"

"Yeah. So what do you know, Commie?"

"Listen. Normally I wouldn't help you because you shot me in the freaking face, and also I'm all evil and shit, but goddamn! Whoever's doing this, they're on some whole other level."

"What? Like a supervillain?"

"I've never seen a criminal network so goddamn efficient. They managed to get everyone working for them in some capacity. It's taking a lot of fun out of crime for the Communist evil types like myself."

"That's weird. So who are they?"

"I have no idea. I was paid to find some equipment and shit, but I never met whoever's running the show."

"Dammit! Another dead end! Why would you even take a job like that, you don't really strike me as the hired goon type."

"I was paid two billion dollars' worth of coins."

"Two billion dollars?!"

"Well, at the time. A few days later, the value spiked to like ten billion, then to 50 million, then spiked again to a trillion, and then dropped a bunch of times. Now it's all worth seven or eight bucks."

"Oh jeez."

"Yeah, I'm super pissed. So uh, I'm pretty sure I can send you directly to the person doing all this shit."

"What really?"

"Do you have a computer?"

"I mean, probably."

"I was hired to acquire these weird rare computer parts, but a few of them I couldn't find," Ivan said.

"Oh no."

The pair were sitting in front of Alfred's computer. Ivan was typing away madly while Alfred watched, apprehensive.

"What we're going to do is put up an online auction listing for one of those items. I know they're still looking for them, so when they buy it, I'll wrap you up in a box instead and mail you right into the heart of their organization."

"Sure, I mean that sounds like some sort of plan."

"Step number 1: We need to load up cyberspace."

There was a pause.

"And….we're in."

A string of green numbers and lines of text appeared on screen.

"Whoa!" Alfred exclaimed. "Look at all of that data!"

"There's a secret auction site that criminals use for stolen goods. I'm going to connect to it."

Ivan typed in the URL: www . butts . life

"Butts . life?" Alfred asked.

"Connected. Now we just got to click through the right sequence of butts…."

"Uhhhh…."

"Okay, we've gotten past the first security butts, now we need to combine these butts in the right order to create a butt node."

"There has to have been a better way to secure this site."

"Now we need to enter the appropriate butt code…Hint: Dinosaurs…"

Ivan paused, thinking.

"Oh! Easy! Hold on to your butts."

He typed just that.

"We're in!"

"Hooraaaayyy," Alfred replied.

"Okay, I'm going to post the auction and….Whoa."

"What?"

"Someone bought it immediately."

"Whaat?" Alfred asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, for like a billion dollars in coins."

"Oh my god! Quickly, turn that to regular dollars!"

"Ah, shit. Sorry, the value just fell again, its worth like 40 cents now."

"Noooo!"

"Well, time to put you in a big box."

"Hey, thanks for helping me out, man," Alfred said. He was currently laying down inside a gigantic box with Ivan's childish grin looming over him.

"I'm not I'm not doing this for you; I'm doing this to bring Communism back to crime."

"Okay. By the way, don't touch any of my stuff after you box me up."

"Don't worry. I'm not going to dip my face in that pitcher of iced tea you got in the fridge."

"Yeah, don't do that."

"I'm also not going to take my face out and just stand silently in the centre of your bedroom for a couple hours."

"Yes, please don't."

"Well, time to send you off. Have a great trip, capitalist pig."

"Hey, should I have like, air holes?"

"Probably. But this way you'll pass out and have some sweet oxygen-deprived hallucinations."

"I don't know if I really want that."

"I think you do~"

And with that, Alfred's vision went dark.

 _It's so…dark. How long has it been? It feels like it's been…super long. A light appears in front of me. I cannot tell if it is real. Or a phantom of my mind's creation. Before me, I witness the cosmic void. I do not know how I have arrived in this place. But there is a feeling here. The swirls of galaxies, the flames of distant stars, bring me a peace that I haven't known in so long. And yet, I feel…sad. For…myself. Things are so clear._

"CHECKMATE, Heart of America!"

"GODDAMMIT! Noooo!"

"That's right! It is I, Chessmate! I lurk even in the labyrinth of your own mind!"

"What do you want with me?!"

"Just a friendly chess game between mortal enemies!"

"Why are enemies?! When have we even met, besides that one time you screwed up my stakeout?!"

"Your mind games have no effect on me! For I have an iron will and an intelligence beyond your comprehension!"

"Shut up! Go away!"

"I will now present a list of grievances! Written in order of severity!"

"Oh my god, I've got to get out of here!" Alfred said, wildly searching for an exit. "I've got to get out of here! FREEDOM!"

In one panicked jump, he burst out of the box, sending packing peanuts flying. He rolled onto a bricked doorstep.

"Oh. I guess I'm here."

.

.

.

"Where did these packing peanuts come from?"


	5. Chapter 5

Alfred entered the house.

"Hello? I have a delivery for the leader of a criminal syndicate? Hello?"

Alfred listened.

"Is that America music?"

Sure enough, a muffled fanfare played from somewhere in the house, blaring trumpets and sounding very patriotic.

Alfred crept toward the source. The room it came from was empty, save for a computer set up on the floor. The screen was the only thing providing light, but the figure in front of it was shrouded in darkness. It looked like the person was laying floor; the computer monitor was covering their head. Multiple US flags hung from the maroon walls.

"Come in. Please." The person said. He had a low voice, and although monotone, had a very pleasing sounding accent to it.

"Hey, I'm looking for a criminal," Alfred greeted, entering the room. "They're trying to buy America."

"I'm glad you're here. I feel very strongly that these events should be witnessed and remembered. And you are someone who has a true love for this country."

"Yeah, I DO love America! I see you do…too, right?" Alfred asked hesitantly, glancing at the US flags.

"I feel…guilt. I suppose that is the reason for this ritual. And it is my reason for leaving someone, you, to remember. And a few people for you to remember with."

"So…you wanna head to jail now?"

"I will pay for the things I have done. But not now. My work is not yet complete."

"Alright, I've had enough of this. Show yourself, dirtbag! I'm the police!"

"Sure. Okay."

Slowly, the person raised his head, letting the light from the computer monitor illuminate his countenance. He was blond; long bangs fell across one side of his face. A cross-shaped hairpin hung on the other side. The most striking thing about him, however, was his eyes: deep cadet blue, and almost entirely emotionless. His stare felt to Alfred like he was having his soul sucked out of him. It was unnerving.

"Hello, Heart of America. I am Norge."

"Whaaatt?!"

"I have created computers in my image, and sold them as video game systems called an Ouya. The plan was to put an Ouya in every developed home in the entire world, and use the processing power to create a global network of coin generating machines."

"And that worked?"

"No. Only eleven people purchased an Ouya. So I built one huge supercomputer instead."

"Oh. Okay, well…FREEZE! You're under arrest!" Alfred whipped his gun out.

"I'm sorry, but no." Behind Norge, a huge green troll suddenly materialized, grinning madly. It swooped down, knocking the gun out of Alfred's hand and disappearing like a ghost.

"Oh no, my gun!" Alfred yelled. "Okay, so you got some tricks, I'll give you that, Norge."

"Tell me: If you could go back in time, would you kill Adolf Hitler?"

"Sure, I mean probably. For AMERICA!"

"But if you killed Hitler, and in his place rose someone worse: a SuperHitler?"

"Could I kill them too?"

"Sure. And then you end up with MegaHitler."

"How many Hitlers do I have to kill?"

"I don't know, Heart of America. But in a way, that's what I'm trying to find out."

"You're trying to kill a bunch of Hitlers?"

"Using my supercomputer, I have managed to generate enough coins to purchase a majority ownership of the United States of America."

"Okay. Why?"

"I'm passing a new amendment. It nulls the constitution, retroactively revoking the United States status as a country."

"WHAT!? You can't do that!"

"I did it. It's done."

"No, I mean, that doesn't make any sense! You don't have the legal power to do that!"

"I know. Again, it's all a ritual. They're steps I need to take before erasing this entire country from existence."

"What are you talking about!?"

"I'm sorry. I wish I knew a better way."

Suddenly, a burst of bright orange light sprouted from above Norge, illuminating the entire room.

"The shit was that?" Alfred exclaimed.

"It's done. Your country is gone."

"NO! No! I don't believe you!"

"Farewell, Heart of America." Norge slowly disappeared, just as his troll had done.

"Oh no," Alfred whispered in horror. "I can feel it in my soul. America…it's….going away."

Slowly, the flags on the wall faded into nothingness. The Statue of Liberty dissipated, along with the Empire State building, and other major marks of America's history. Everything was gone.

 _Within a day, everything that made America, America had disappeared. Our long, proud history was erased from time itself. There were still roads and cities, but they belonged to a different country now. America was gone. It had never been. I am the Heart of nothing._


	6. Chapter 6

Alfred's phone rang. He opened his eyes and tried to get used to the sunlight streaming down from the spaces between the leaves on trees. He sat up, and answered the call.

"Detective Heart of America, the greatest hero out there! Although what does that even mean anymore, you know?"

"OI GOV'NA! THIS IS THE CONSTABLE OF POLICE, CONSTABLES!"

"Chief?"

"WHAT RIGHT HAPPENED, GOV'NA?"

"Oh no, now that America's gone, you're English for some reason!"

"WHERE DID THE COLONIES GO TO, GOV'NA, OI?"

"I'm so sorry, chief! Norge erased America and I couldn't stop it! I couldn't stop it, chief!"

"OI, HAVE YOU TRIED THIS BRANSTON PICKLE, GOV'NA? BOLLOCKS, IT'S GOOD!"

"I'm going to fix this, chief. I'm gonna save America, and stop Norge, and then try some of that Branston pickle you're talking about."

"YOU BETTER, YOU NANNY! CHIM CHIMNEY CHER-OO!"

"Oh, chief, I think my house is gone. I'm gonna need a place to stay for a while," Alfred said, surveyeing the forest he was currently in.

"I'VE PROCURED YOU A ROOM AT THE HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS, GOV'NA! THAT'LL BE OUR BASE OF OPERATIONS FOR NOW."

"Oh, sweet! I love Holiday Inn Express!"

"IT'S SUCH A RIGHT VALUE! CONFIDENT CONVIENIENCE FOR A REASONABLE PRICE, GOV'NA! PERFECT FOR BUSINESS TRAVELERS, OI!"

"Is there a better mid-priced hotel chain? I don't think so."

"WELL I MEAN HOW COULD YOU DO BETTER THAN THE HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS, FOR THE PRICE!"

"Isn't there a fitness centre in most locations? Free local calls and free wi-fi? Plus a breakfast buffet included in your room price!"

"WHAT A RIGHT STEAL OF A DEAL THAT PLACE IS."

"You think they know we're gonna be doing police work there?"

"NO, BUT MAYBE IF WE SAY REAL NICE THINGS ABOUT THEM, THEY WON'T UP AND SUE US."

And so, Alfred arrived at the hotel. Everything glowed; it was so majestic. Everything was pristine and relaxing, a perfect base of operations.

"Yeah, it's a pretty good room."

Alfred sat down on the bed to contemplate.

 _America is gone. It's all of my worst nightmares come true. Except for that one where my mom eats my face. Who am I? Without America, am I even still American? Oh god, am I a foreigner?_

He relocated to the armchair next to the TV.

 _I don't like thinking about this stuff. About myself. It makes me feel weird. I need to think about something else. Like the comic strip Garfield. Oh god. Does Garfield still exist? I would be totally fine if it didn't._

Alfred moved to the other less comfortable chair.

 _What am I even going to do about all this? How can I save a country that never existed? Why does Garfield hate Mondays? Why does John let Garfield be so abusive towards Odie? That poor dog. Garfield like seriously beats him all the time._

He moved again to the bathtub.

 _God, I just realized that Futurama probably doesn't exist anymore. But neither does Lost, so I guess that evens it out._

 _I suppose I should see if any of my friends still exist. That's probably one of the first things I should have been thinking about, instead of Garfield._

Alfred moved back to the bed.

 _Can you really call this a hotel? I didn't receive a mint on my pillow._

"Yeah, yesterday my house just turned into this barn," Arthur said.

"Weird," Alfred replied.

The two were standing in an old shack-like barn, next to a tractor upon which Gorslax was sitting.

"Now we can finally get working on a proper garden!" he exclaimed. "One that won't make your parents roll around in their tiny little graves."

"Francis," Arthur groaned.

"Every time I visit their burial, I hear them: Thud thud, rolling around, mumbling like a ghost about their disappointment."

"Jeez Francis."

"That's harsh."

"But now we got all this farming shit. I'm just trying to look on the positive side of things."

"So you're saying Norge did all this?" Arthur asked Alfred.

"Yeah, this crazy beam shot out of his body, and America was gone."

"So why are we still here? Everyone I know besides you, Francis, the chief and Ludwig either vanished or don't remember me."

There was a pause.

"You're still hanging out with Ludwig?"

"Yeah. He's actually super cool."

"Well, I don't know what's going on. Norge talked for a long-ass time, and I really didn't understand most of it."

"And what's up with the chief?"

"Oh yeah, he remembered me, but he's English."

"He's like nonsense English, though. I'm pretty sure that's just how he thinks he's supposed to talk."

"So what do we do, Arthur? What's the plan?"

"I have no idea. This isn't really my field of expertise."

"You should go talk to Matthias," Gorslax piped up.

"Matthias?" Alfred echoed.

"Yeah, Matthias, the cool guy."

"Matthias is still around?"

"Yeah, I bought some Pop Rocks off of him this morning."

"Man that guy is so cool," Alfred sighed wistfully. "But, like, too cool. It's intimidating. It's like an ancient power."

"He was all talking about 'Oh it happened again, the country's gone,' and I said 'What are you talking about?' and he was like 'Over and over again my damn neighbour keeps erasing civilization,' and I'm like 'Goddammit Matthias! You got my Pop Rocks?' and he's like 'Of course, baby!'

There was a long awkward silence.

"That seems like some sort of lead," Alfred said.

"As long as I've known him, he's been talking about some long-lost people of his," Gorslax commented. "I just thought he was a friggin weirdo."

"I guess I gotta go talk with Matthias then. Should I wear sunglasses, you think?"

"Eh. Good luck, you know what you need from me," Arthur replied. "I'll see if I can find any other leads."

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light.

"Oh dear, I got myself caught in this damn vortex again, heavens to Betsy. You'd think I'd learn, but nope, old Gorslax never learns a thing."


	7. Chapter 7

Alfred didn't know where to start looking for Matthias, so he just started with the first place he could think of: the bar. Surprisingly (but really not surprisingly), Matthias was there. He stood in his own corner, waving around his axe and boast loudly to anyone who would listen.

Alfred approached him.

"Hey Matthias! It's Alfred, Detective Heart of America. I have a few questions, if you don't mind."

"Hej! So you must be the one Norge picked! Welcome to the No Country Club!"

"You know about Norge?"

"Norge erased my country too! The most out-of-control, radical place the world has ever seen: Slamzone!"

For some reason, Matthias' voice echoed when he said that, creating a dramatic effect only Alfred seemed to notice.

"Your country was called Slamzone?"

"The United Republic of Slamzone, in title totality!"

Those words seem to boom dramatically as well.

"Oh. And then Norge erased it?"

"Yeah, and then Super Spain popped up in its place. Then that vanished and Claireland took over. Lots of scorpions in Claireland. Not sure why there was a huge insurmountable scorpion problem that NO ONE WAS TAKING CARE OF, but there you have it."

"What about America?"

"That's what replaced Claireland. So many fewer scorpions. So many more ants. And now, here we are, post-America, in a country I have learned is called Fug."

The word 'Fug' echoed throughout the bar.

"Fug?!" America asked, incredulous.

"The Fug Colonies, in title totality."

"There's no way America has been replaced by a country called 'Fug'!"

"All the money here says 'The Fug Colonies' on it, and then 'In Fug We Trust'."

"Why Fug?!"

"No idea. The crazy thing is that I haven't run into anyone also named 'Fug'. It's wild, man. It's friggin wild."

"You said Norge picked me. What does that mean?"

"I don't know, you're still here, I'm still here; we got picked. I'm sure one of the Fugs will join us in the next reality."

"This doesn't make any sense," America muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair.

"Nope! The only thing that still makes sense to me is a nice cold Carlsberg." Mathias held up a bottle of beer as his voice boomed again.

"I'm not really in the mood for a Carlsberg."

"Here you go! Drink up!" Despite Alfred's protests, Mathias shoved the bottle in his arms. "It's Fug'in hot in Fug today!"

"Is this place really called Fug? Like the whole country is just Fug?"

"I swear to Fug, man."

"Do you know anything that might help me track down Norge?"

"Sorry friend, but you know what I do know?"

"What's tha-"

"I know another ice cold Carlsberg would hit the spot!" Mathias pulled out another bottle.

"I don't want another one. I don't want the first one."

'You gotta hydrate yourself, drink up!" The axe wielding weirdo shoved the other bottle into Alfred's arms.

"I'm going to go for a walk," Alfred said miserably.

"Oh my god, that was no help at all!" Alfred moaned. He sat down at the edge of a road lined with trees. "I hate Fug. I hate Norge. What if this is it? This is my life now. I live in the Fug Colonies. My name is Fug. I salute the flag of Fug. Which is probably a plain white banner with the word 'Fug' written on it in black Comic Sans."

.

.

.

"I feel warm."

.

.

.

"I really should have taken a Carlsberg."

"CHECKMATE, HEART OF AMERICA!"

"NO. NOOOOO." Alfred sighed, getting up.

"That's right, it is I, Chessmate! Jack of all trades and master of all trades!" Chessmate was facing Alfred, right in the ditch so that the edge of the road created a dramatic effect when viewed to the side.

"Why are you even still here?!"

"I am here to make the final move in our little game! The killing blow."

"You wanna fight, bro? I super feel like fighting!"

"Earlier today I arranged to have a special suitcase placed aboard a commercial airplane, which travels directly over the spot you are standing in! I have also lined that very suitcase with a perfect quantity of a highly corrosive acid that, at the exact right moment, will cause it to burn right through the airplane's cargo bay, can you guess where it will land? Can you guess where my suitcase will fall?"

"On my head?"

"Directly on your head! Ending your life and ending this game of ours forever."

Alfred looked up. There was a dramatic pause. Nothing happened.

"I don't see any planes," he said.

"I made the arrangements today, but this is all happening tomorrow."

"Oh."

"Yes, tomorrow will be your end, Heart of America."

"Dude, I'm not going to come back if you're setting a trap for me here."

There was a pause.

"What if NOT coming here was the trap? What THEN, Heart of America?"

"What if your face is a trap?"

There was another pause.

"What if YOUR face was a trap?"

"I don't know, I'm pretty sure i-"

 _VROOM_

A car whizzed by, ending Alfred's life.

.

.

"That wasn't part of my plan, but it still counts as a checkmate!"


	8. Chapter 8

Alfred opened his eyes. He was surrounded by soft pastel blues, reds, and whites, as he floated gently among the coloured clouds.

"Whoa!" he breathed. "What happened?"

"You're dead," a deep voice boomed. "You died."

"Oh my god…Are you…"

"Hello Heart of America."

The person the voice belonged to slowly faded into existence. He was beautiful: curly brown hair, glowing amber eyes, tanned skin, intricately engraved armour, and a wonderful Italian accent.

"I am Rome. And yes, the city of Rome was named after my splendour."

"What is this place?"

"This is Americium. Final resting place for all of the most American heroes."

"Oh. So am I-"

"Yes, you're dead. I said that. You're a dead guy."

"I can't be dead! I haven't saved America yet!"

"That's why I'm here. Talking with you. Americium is dying. Without America, the power our energy cubes, we cannot maintain cloud structure."

"Weird."

"I'm going to send you back to Earth with the small amount of cube energy I still possess."

"Oh cool, thanks bro."

"You must recreate America. And bring about its second coming. Just like when I came back playing heavy metal and ripped apart all those people's minds. No one will understand your work, but it must be done."

"I'll try, but I don't really know how to recreate a whole country."

"You must discover its essence. It's Goo. You must become the Goo. Go beyond the Goo. Cover yourself in all the Goo."

"Sure. Okay.'

"Good luck, Heart of America! We await the charging of our cubes! And the re-juicing of all of our spheres. Holleluljah."

And with that, Alfred disappeared in a puff of clouds. He appeared in the sky and fell to the ground, landing on pavement, killing him.

Alfred found himself facing Rome again.

"Sorry," he said, "My targeting systems are down. Not enough power cubes."

"Yeah, that sucked."

"Let me try doing it manually. Hallelulijah."

Once again, Alfred found himself falling. He hit the corner of a skyscraper's roof, and plummeted to his death.

Once again, Alfred found himself facing Rome.

"Wow. What a boner I've made of this whole thing."

"Can you just toss me into the ocean or something? Then I can swim back."

"Sure! Whatever!"

And with that, Alfred landed in the ocean. Birds dived in after him, trying to have him as their next meal.

"Oh no, seagulls! Shit! They're coming after me! AAAHHH, I'm sorry!"

"Stupid seagull assholes," Alfred muttered as he ran a blow dryer through his hair back in the hotel bathroom.

Alfred sat down on the couch, pondered about his situation. _If I'm going to recreate America, I need to understand America. I need to poke at its essence. It's Goo. Let's make some mental lists. Good things about America: Freedom. Love. Affordable lamps. Bad things about America: 9/11. Lost. Whatever 'Subprime lending' is. What is America? An idea. A rich history. A dream of a better tomorrow. What are the states that make up America? Florida. Wyoming. Texas. California. New York City. Vermont. Some other ones. Things in America: The statue of Liberty. The Brooklyn Bridge. Wild stallions. The most American thing I can think of: uh…Me._

 _._

 _._

 _._

 _This is not going anywhere._

"I dunno what to tell ya," Matthias said. "If I knew how to bring back a whole country, I would have done it with Slamzone."

Alfred had decided to visit Mathias again and ask for his advice. The axe-wielding guy was still in the same place, doing the same thing.

"Are you sure you don't have ANY ideas?" Alfred asked.

"I've been embodying the spirit of Slamzone since it was erased and it hasn't done a thing. I have been haunted by failure."

The phrase 'Haunted by failure' echoed across the bar. No one seemed to notice, still.

"Maybe you can't start with the way a country was," Alfred mused. "Maybe I have to start with how a country began."

"Well America, Slamzone, and…" Matthias gritted his teeth. " _Claireland_. All of these countries began the same way."

"…With the dream of a better tomorrow?"

"With the attempted genocide of the indigenous people."

The words 'Genocide' boomed out.

"Oh."

"Maybe you'll find them. They might give you some answers."

"Would native Americans still be around?"

"Yeah, they'd just be like…Uh…Native Fugs."

"Well, thanks Matthias. Talking through this with you really helped, and I super didn't think it would."

"No problem. You know what else might help?"

"What's tha-"

"A nice cold Tuborg!" He held up another bottle of beer.

"No thanks."

"Take it! Hydrate yourself with its radical taste!" Matthias forced Alfred to take the bottle.

"I just had a mint. It'll taste all weird."

"Take a whole bunch of them!" Matthias shouted, shoving three more beers into Alfred's arms.

"There's no way I'm going to dri-"

"Take some more Carlsberg too, liquid cool!" He threw more bottles at Alfred.

"The fuck is wrong with you?!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Extra-long chapter for you guys!**

Alfred wandered around aimlessly in the nearest large forest.

"Hello? I'm looking for native Fugs! Hello? Is it racist that I'm looking in a forest? I feel like this is racist."

"Hello friend," a voice called. "I am a native Fugmerican."

The native Fugmerican was wearing something akin to a red robe and had a ponytail resting over their shoulder, although the Fugmerican was clearly male.

"What, really?" Alfred asked. There was a pause.

"Mhm."

"Fugmerican?" There was another pause.

"Mhm."

"My name is Heart of America. What's yours?" There was another pause.

"Debra."

"Okay."

"And I am Kiku," another person said. He came out from behind a tree, bowing politely. He was similar in appearance to Debra, although his hair was shorter. "I am a native Fugmerican as well."

"Sure. So what tribe are you two from?" There was a silence as Kiku stared at Alfred.

"All of them."

"What brings you to our forest, Heart of America?" Debra asked.

"I'm trying to bring back America. And to do that, I think I need to learn the ways of the people who were here first."

"You have come to the right place," Kiku said. "We are definitely not a troop of actors who got lost in the forest and never found our way out."

"Certainly not," Debra agreed.

"We are the native Fugmericans. And the native Fugmericans have been here for millions of years."

"I think I know a lot less about you people than I originally thought," Alfred commented.

"Yes," Debra acknowledged. "For instance, did you know that my favourite food is spaghetti?"

"I didn't know that.'

"Did you know that my favourite food is juice?" Kiku asked.

"I didn't know what ANY of your favourite foods were."

"Did you know that I lost a button today?" Debra inquired.

"No."

"Have you seen a button laying around anywhere?"

"I have not seen any buttons."

"Did you know that I am a button-thief?" Kiku asked.

"Uh-oh."

"And did you know that I would never steal Debra's button because Debra is the most important person in my life?"

"There is so much I do not know."

"Then follow us and we will show you the true authentic ways of our people," Debra said.

"This is Xiao Mei. She will present the first pillar of native Fugmerican culture: Vegetables."

"Oh cool. I like vegetables."

"I am Xiao Mei. This is my native Fugmerican vegetable garden." She gestured to a bunch of store bought vegetables poorly shoved into the dirt.

"Nice."

"I have some carrots….and some yellow things."

"Yeah, the yellow things are pretty good."

"What about carrots?"

"What abou-"

"Are THEY pretty good?" Mei interrupted.

"Yeah, sure."

"To understand native Fugmerican culture, you must understand the importance of the carrots."

"Okay."

"And popcorn. I grow popcorn as well, it's very important." A plastic container of popcorn kernels sat innocently a few feet away.

"Noted. Popcorn and carrots. Two important crops."

"And yellow things."

"Oh yeah, and yellow things."

"Never forget these lessons."

"I won't."

"You have to promise me. Promise me that you will rip out your own throat before forgetting these lessons."

There was an awkward pause.

"I cannot promise that."

Mei sighed. "That was fair. It was an unreasonable request."

"A little bit, yeah."

"Remember the vegetables, though!"

"Will do."

"This is how it has been for millions of years," Kiku said.

"Over here is Thai, who will present the second pillar of native Fugmerican culture: art," Debra explained.

"Nice to meet you," Alfred greeted.

"Here I have created a very traditional and authentic native Fugmerican painting."

"A quick question: Why do you all sound the same?"

"Because we are one people. With one voice."

"What does that mean?"

There was a silence.

"Focus on the art, please."

"Sorry. So what does the painting mean?"

"It represents a black-sun-thing with teeth looking over a field of plants that also have teeth. The mountains have teeth as well."

"Uh…It has…lots of teeth."

Thai glanced at Alfred. "If you only see the teeth, you miss the lesson hidden within."

"I guess I did miss it. What is the lesson?"

"There are teeth all over the place."

"An important lesson, I'm sure."

Thai removed the canvas, exposing a different one with a beautifully painted cat.

"Here is another work of authentic native Fugmerican art. It is an elephant."

There was a pause.

"Is it?" Alfred asked.

There was another pause.

Thai withdrew the painting, revealing a picture of an elephant.

"Yes."

"Oh yeah, I see it! That's cool!"

"Do you understand the lesson?"

"No, not really."

"There are elephants all over the place."

"Got it."

"There have been elephants all over the place for millions of years," Kiku said.

"The next pillar of native Fugmerican culture will be presented by Leon," said Debra.

"Hey Leon. I like your festive winter outfit."

There was a short pause. Leon stared blankly into Alfred's eyes.

"My pillar is Death."

"Oh jeez."

"You see that?" Leon gestured to a corpse laying on the ground. "That's Santa Claus. I killed him."

"You killed Santa Claus?"

"I strangled him. Then beat him with sticks."

"Okaaayy," Alfred drew the word out, inching ever-so-slightly away from Leon.

"His body has been rotting for two days. It will continue to rot until scavengers pick it apart."

There was a pause.

"Is there a lesson here?"

"Santa Claus is a bastard. That's lesson one."

"Santa Claus is no good. Got it."

"Lesson two: don't fuck with Leon."

"I will definitely not-"

"Lesson three: die."

"…I see."

"No, you don't. But I see. I see more than you would like."

"Can we move on to the next pillar?"

"Fly tiny bird, fly."

"This is Viet. She will show you the fourth pillar of native Fugmerican culture: jewelry."

"Awesome. Hey Viet."  
"Hello. I present to you a very traditional native Fugmerican necklace."

"That's lovely."

"It's made of things found entirely in the earth. Like garbage."

"Oh."

"There might be some bones in there. And sticks. Who knows?"

"Interesting design."

"The tangled strings represent the tangled nature of our lives. And the garbage represents how we are all garbage.

"We're all garbage," Alfred repeated.

"Yes. Now you understand."

"I really super don't think I do."

"Your modesty shows that you fully understand and comprehend my lessons."

"Oh, cool. I did it!"

"You are truly a kindred spirit. I would like you to have something that is very important to me."

Viet removed her hair, which just turned out to be a wig. She placed it on Alfred's head.

"Oh, that's… not necessary,"

"Please, keep it. And wear it every day forever."

"I'm probably just gonna take it off right away."

"Here is Im Yong Soo," Debra introduced. "He will teach you the fifth pillar: knots."

"Hey there! I'm ready to learn about knots."

"Knots are an extremely important part of native Fugmerican culture," he said.

"They have been for millions of years," Kiku added.

"Look at the knots. Look at how twisted and tangled they are."

"They do look super tangled."

"That one right there is called a Tiger Knot. It represents how cool tigers are." The Fugmerican gestured to a string haphazardly tied in multiple loops and knots.

"How do you tie one?"

"It kind of just happens. Once you let a tiger into your heart."

"I don't think I've done that."

Im Yong Soo gestured to a different one. "This one is called a lasagna knot. It represents how cool lasagna is."

"I have defiantly let lasagna into my heart!"

"IT IS A FORBIDDEN KNOT."

"What? Why?"

"Yong Soo! We do not talk of such things!" Debra exclaimed in horror.

"HE HAS TO LEARN AT SOME POINT, DEBRA."

"Is there something wrong with lasagna?"

"You know too much already," Debra replied.

"I don't think I do."

"The next knot, Yong Soo."

"Of course, Debbie. This is a coffee knot."

"Yong Soo!"

"IT IS ALSO FORBIDDEN!"

"How many forbidden knots did you tie?"

"IN MY HANDS I HOLD THE NAPPING KNOT."

"This is unacceptable!" Debra shouted.

"IT IS THE MOST FORBIDDEN OF ALL KNOTS!"

Alfred came to a realization. "Wait a minute…These are all the things Garfield likes!"

"CONGRADULATIONS, YOU HAVE SOLVED THE KNOT RIDDLE!"

"God dammit! Garfield still exists?!"

"He has hated Mondays for millions of years," Kiku said.

"India shall present the final pillar of native Fugmerican culture: Bugs."

"Bugs, huh?"

"Yes, bugs. They're everywhere. In the ground, in the trees, inside every wall, inside every baby," he said.

"Creepy…"

"No, not creepy. Beautiful. Our world is garbage. Bugs are a light in the garbage."

"I'm sorry. I spoke hastily, and with abandon," Alfred apologized.

"Bugs do not speak. Bugs simply are. Sometimes they slither. Sometimes they crawl. Sometimes they eat your face out from the inside."

There was a pause.

"Is that...Is that good?"

"You must erase all notions of good and evil. Replace them with Bug Good and Bug Evil."

"I will try. But I don't know if I can do it."

"What is your favourite bug?"

"I mean, I haven't really thought about it."

"Think about it now. What is the first bug that comes to mind?"

"Uh…Are worms bugs?"

"Yes. Worms are such…such wonderful bugs."

Long, slimy black worms started creeping their way out of India's hair, out of his pockets, and dropping to the ground in the style of some sick horror movie.

"OH MY GOD."

"Such wonderful, beautiful bugs."

"To be honest, I think this pillar is kind of gross," Kiku shuddered.


	10. Chapter 10

"Now you know everything there is to know about our people and traditions," Debra said.

"That's everything, huh?"

"Absolutely everything," Kiku agreed.

"And you're definitely native Fugmericans, right?" Alfred asked.

There was a pause.

"Mhm."

"Well, cool. I guess I'll be on my way, then."

"OH HEY ASSHOLES," shouted a voice.

"Ivan and Madison Square Garden!" Alfred exclaimed in shock.

"Yeah, that's us," Ivan said.

"Did you know," Madison Square Garden added, "My mom trampled all over my soft baby face when I was young?"

There was an awkward silence.

"What do you two want? I'm trying to save America!"

"Hey, so are we!" Ivan said. "We're going to start a new America!"

"Oh, cool."

"Step one in starting America: Kill all the natives and steal their shit."

"What?! No!"

"It's how it's been done for millions of years," Kiku sighed.

"Stop it! Let's just think about this for a minute!"

"I've thought about it for lots of minutes," Ivan argued.

"Yeah? Well how many?"

"20, 30, I don't know!"

"C'mon! We can make a big beautiful America without killing anyone except foreigners!"

"Step aside, Heart of America. This needs to be done. If you're not up to the task, just put on your dress and go home!"

"What?! Screw you, what's wrong with dresses?"

"It's just a phrase, man."

"Well, it's a stupid phrase! Athena the god of awesomeness wears dresses, why can't I?"

"I don't know," Ivan sighed.

"I'm gonna make dress, wear it, and do a bunch of ninja moves on you, looking like a badass."

"I guess we're doing this the hard way, then."

"I find violence to come pretty easy to me, actually," the Ukrainian pitched in. Alfred glared at her before starting an epic speech.

" _Tomorrow, right here, we'll gather and-_ "

"Yeah, whatever," Ivan said, turning around and leaving with Madison Square Garden trailing behind him.

"A dark wind sets upon a cold land," Debra said ominously.

"What?"

"Nothing, that means absolutely nothing."

Alfred sat on a log and stared gloomily into the campfire. Debra and Kiku sat beside him in silence. It seemed to stretch on for hours.

"What a weird day this was," Alfred finally spoke up.

"I'm glad you were here, Heart of America," Debra said.

"Yeah, me too," he agreed.

"It's not like we could've dealt with the situation with our superior skills and numbers."

"Uh, I mean I guess."

"We've only known you for a few hours and already you've put yourself at the front of our conflicts," Kiku added. "You are so noble and brave."

"…Thanks?"

"I'm not sure what we would've done without you," Debra said. "Besides mobilizing a defense force like warriors."

"That would've also worked."

"Tomorrow, you should stand as the leader of our defenses and make it clear that you are the most important part of our struggle," Kiku suggested.

"Can we talk about something else?"

"Look into the fire, Heart of America," Debra whispered. "What do you see?"

"I see….I don't know, maybe a dog? Is this like looking at clouds?"

"Is that all?" Kiku asked.

"Yes, I mean I think."

"What if I told you the fire contains visions?" Debra inquired.

"What, really?"

"Yes."

"How does that work?"

"We're burning lots of chemical waste. Some of your neurons are dying," Kiku explained.

"Oh. Geez."

"So, again, Heart of America. What do you see?"

The longer Alfred stared at the fire, the more distorted Debra's voice became. His vision swam. He felt nauseous and shut his eyes. When the feeling ebbed away, he opened his eyes and found himself in that same sand pit form his first vision. The same eagles stood rooted to their spot, staring each other down. The regular eagle held a spoon, and the Uncle Sam eagle held a fork. Sitting on the ground, battered and bruised, was Alfred. He looked pleadingly up at the eagle. Uncle Sam Eagle held up the fork, prongs pointing downward. The regular eagle shook its head wildly. Uncle Sam eagle held the fork higher…and plunged.

"Nope, still don't get it."

The sun rose, spreading its tendrils of light across the native Fugmerican's forest.

Alfred confidently stood beside his native Fugmerican allies, facing his two foes. He was wearing a red dress that he promised to wear earlier. It was a massive standoff, radiating epicness and awesomeness and everything of that variety.

"Ivan and Madison Square Garden!" Alfred called out heroically. "We stand united against you!"

"I see that!" Ivan sighed.

"In case you haven't noticed, Heart of America is now leading us!" Kiku said.

"He speaks for and represents all native Fugmericans!" Debra added.

"Yes. Yes, that sounds right," Alfred said, tugging at the hem of his dress.

"Hey, uh, I'm sorry about the dress comment," Ivan said. "It was inappropriate."

"Thank you!"

"Yeah, that dress turned out nice!" Madison Square Garden piped up.

"I'm pretty proud of it."

"If we win, I'm gonna take it off your corpse and wear it myself!" Ivan declared.

"I could just make you one, dude."

"I wanna be naked and free," the Ukrainian whispered.

There was a pause.

"What?"

"I WANNA BE NAKED AND FREE!"

"You know, I'm not super into fighting anymore, now that I've spent another minute thinking about it," Ivan commented.

"Oh, really?"

"Like, I don't actually have a step 2 to this plan, so I don't want to end up killing a bunch of people if I'm just going to spend the rest of the day jerking off or whatever."

"Oh."

"Hey, if anyone's still up for a fight, I could go for some bloodshed," Madison Square Garden said.

"I do. My lust for blood is unsatisfied," Leon replied.

"You and me, boy!"

"LET'S DO IT."

"LET'S KILL EACH OTHER!"

"Yes, let's beat each other to death!"

Suddenly, a low humming filled the air.

"Uh, does anyone hear that?" Alfred asked.

"Yeah, where's it coming from?" Ivan added.

They all looked to the sky. Nothing.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and three ghost-like beings materialized in between the standoff. They were shrouded in weaving tendrils of darkness, faces obscured and with long, boney fingers reaching out of the mass.

"What the hell are those?!" Alfred yelled. "Should we be worried? This looks worrying."

"One of them is pointing a finger at me," Ivan commented. "Oh hey, what's up?"

As the finger connected to Ivan's forehead, he exploded in a spurt of blood.

"Ah shit, it is worrying!" Alfred realized.

"Death; it comes for us all," Leon said as he too exploded.

"I DON'T FORGIVE YOU MOM!" the Ukrainian yelled as she met her fate.

"Xiao Mei!"

"Yes, India?"

"I loved you! I've always loved you!"

"….Oh."

"Oh?"

"I'm sorry, India. I'm in love with Yong Soo!"

"Yong Soo?"

"India!" Yong Soo exclaimed. "I never knew!"

"Hey! I'M in love with Yong Soo!" Thai protested.

"Well, I'm in love with Viet," Yong Soo declared.

"I'm just kinda in love with myself," Viet said. "I don't really want a relationship."

"Wait! Is anyone in love with me?" India asked.

"I am!" Thai exclaimed. "You're my number two!"

"Oh cool. You wanna go out sometime?"

"Oh, jeez. I guess not," Thai said as he died.

"It wouldn't have worked out anyway. I'm still not over Xiao Mei."

"This is how it has ended for milli-"

Kiku's life was cut short.

"My only regret is that I didn't skip more school and do more drugs!" Debra yelled as he too, met his fate.

The beings turned to Alfred.

"No! NO! AMERICA! AMERICA!"

Alfred's life ended in a shower of his own blood.


	11. Chapter 11

Alfred appeared, yet again, in Americium; Rome stood there to greet him.

"Jesus Christ, what was that?"

"I don't know, you're Jesus, you tell me!"

"Sorry. Most of my vision cubes are down. I just have the ones watching you and the ones watching everyone jerk off."

"They kinda look like aliens."

"Yeah, they came from the sky. So they're either aliens or sky-people."

"Think about it: America is gone. So there's no one around to save the world from aliens anymore. It's the perfect time to strike!"

"I think you're on to something, Matthew."

There was an awkward silence. Alfred looked at Rome quizzically.

"Matthew?!"

"Oh. Sorry, I was talking to Matthew earlier."

"Who's Matthew?"

"Just some guy. He's alright."

"You need to send me back! I can still do it! I can still save America!"

"I don't know if I have enough cube power to do that. Not without diverting energy from the jerk-off cubes."

"Oh come one! What's more important?"

"They're both of the most extreme importance!"

"If I don't stop the aliens, there might not be anyone else to watch jerk off!"

Rome considered.

"I see. Well then, I must send you back. Farewell and good luck! Hallelulah."

Alfred disappeared in a puff of smoke and fell onto a paved parking lot, breaking all of his bones.

He reappeared back in front of Rome.

"Oh, right. The ocean. Halellujee."

Alfred felt himself hit water this time, and he slowly sunk.

"Whoa, I sunk pretty deep this time," Alfred said to no one in particular. How he could breathe and how he could talk clearly was beyond him. Probably Rome's fault.

"Oh shit, it's a Great White Shark!" Alfred yelled. Well, it looked like a great white shark. It was really just another person who painted himself entirely white. The only thing that wasn't touched was his auburn hair, which had an odd little curl.

"And a Great Red Shark!" Again, another person with an odd curl in his hair floated towards Alfred. True to the name, the person was painted completely red.

"And a Hammerhead Shark!" A person with tanned skin, messy brown hair and green eyes wearing a giraffe floatie swam up to Alfred.

"Maybe I won't attract their attention if I stop yelling when I see one…"

"TRESSPASSER!" The red shark yelled. "We are the shark council!"

"Oh hey," Alfred greeted.

"What are you doing in our waters, stranger?" asked the white shark.

"Why do you intrude upon the sacred realm of the shark council?" the red one asked.

"These waters have been under the protection of the shark council for twelve thousand long, terrible years," the giraffe guy said.

"That's a long time," Alfred commented. "You're doing a great job, I guess."

"Yes, the effectiveness of our council is an undeniable fact, ve~" White said.

"It is undeniable!" Giraffe added.

"I tried to deny it," Red commented. "For years I spat in the face of this council. I refuted that in which my heart was true."

Alfred sighed. "Look, I'm kind of in a hurry-"

"Do not interrupt council proceedings!" Giraffe said.

"We dock you 12 shark points!" Red exclaimed.

"It will takes years for you to gain them back!" White added.

"I'm sorry, but I'm on an important mission for America!"

"More important than the shark council?" Giraffe inquired.

"I don't know, I don't really know anything about the shark council."

"And we know not of America things, for we concern ourselves only for the matters of the sea. And sea sharks," Giraffe added thoughtfully.

"And finance!" Red pitched in.

"Yes, we are all extremely interested in theories of commerce."

"Look, aliens are invading and I'm trying to stop them! If shark council's as great as you say it is, they'll probably come after you, too."

There was a silence.

" _La profecía_ ," Giraffe breathed.

"Could this be it?" White asked in a hushed whisper.

"I bet this is it. I bet this is the prophecy," Red declared.

"What prophecy?"

"There was a prophecy that took place in the first shark council meeting. It was foretold that one day, a person would show up and say 'look, aliens are invading and I have to stop them! If shark council is as great as you say it is, they'll probably come after you too.'"

"That was prophesized?"

"No, of course not, amigo," giraffe said.

"We are a shark council of science, ve~"

"And finance, you assholes!"

"Your argument has persuaded us, however, and we will allow you to leave infused with mystical shark powers."

"Correction: scientific shark powers!" White yelled.

"And financial shark powers!" Red added.

"You're not making any shark sense!" White retorted.

"That's because I'm too busy making shark dollars!"

"You all are just a bunch of dorks," Alfred commented.

"Prepare to receive shark powers."

"Okay."

There was a pause as Giraffe looked at Alfred expectantly.

"Are you prepared?"

"Sure."

There was a long, awkward silence.

"You got them. The process is complete.

"Cool. I'm sure that'll be helpful somehow."

"You must thank us!" White said.

"Thanks.'"

" _Di niente,_ it was no problem!"

"It was a huge effort. These assbags are lying."

"Well, I'm gonna go talk to Matthias, see if he knows anything about the aliens. Do you guys know Matthias?"

"Is he a squid?" Giraffe asked.

"No, I don't think so."

"Then no."

"Wait, is he a dolphin with his face stuck in a boot?" White asked.

"That was Mathias!" Red corrected.

"What did he say then?"

"Matthias."

"Oh."

"What about Matthew? Do you know Matthew?" Alfred questioned.

"I don't think so. Who is Matthew?" Giraffe asked.

"I don't actually know Matthew either," he confessed.

There was another awkward silence.

"It's weird that you would ask that."

"I might know Matthew," White said. "Is he some sort of illusion?"

"I don't know, I know literally nothing about Matthew."

"I bet it's the Matthew I know, ve~. He's an illusion."

"He might be," Alfred agreed.

"UARAGHAUARGJAI"

"Who the hell is that?!" Alfred exclaimed.

"Pay no attention to the screaming eel," Giraffe said.

"She's just angry because she wanted shark powers, but we didn't give her any shark powers!" White explained.

"URAGHAURAGHURAGH"

Giraffe cast Alfred a sidelong glance.

"You should probably go."

"Ah, shit! Matthias! Did the aliens get you?!" Alfred called out frantically. Matthias was still in his corner in the bar, but he was slumped over lifelessly against the wall, all colour drained form his face.

"Nah man, I just finally ran out of cube energy," Matthias sighed. His voice had lost all of its youthful vigour. "It's time for the last sun of Slamzone to fade away."

"I don't know what to say, Matthias. I don't really know you that well."

"It's okay, I had a good run. I spread the word of Slamzone to a few alternate realities, and I got to drink so many Squeezits! Remember those?"

"Yeah, they were kinda gross."

"The bottles-" Matthias was interrupted by a coughing fit. After a minute, he resumed wearily. "The bottles had faces on them."

"I know, Matthias. I know."

"There's something important I need to tell you. Before I die forever."

"Oh yeah?"

"A secret resistance has been formed to stop the invaders."

"Already?"

"They're looking for you, Heart of America. They need your help." The end of Matthias' sentence dissolved into another coughing fit.

"Awesome. Because I barely understand what's going on."

"They gave me a phone number for you to call them at."

"Hold on, let me get a pen-"

"It's 8."

There was a pause.

"What?"

"Just dial 8."

"That's the whole number?"

"Ja."

"That's not gonna call anyone, Matthias!"

"One last thing before I go: There's something I want you to have." Matthias gave a weak cough before he leaned forward.

"Is it a Carlsberg?" Alfred guessed.

"I've been saving it for years. Waiting for the right moment. That moment will never come for me. But maybe it will for you. Here it is: The very last can of pineapples."

"What?"

"With that, you can give it to my nephew, Peter. It will make the ending of this world so much more tear-jerking." With a shaking arm, Matthias handed the can to Alfred.

"You know this isn't the actual apocalypse, right?"

"What?"

"You can't really do that since you're in the wrong universe."

"No way!"

"Sorry! I-I probably shouldn't have told you that."

"I die sadder than I possibly could have imagined."

"Oh no!"

"Slamzone…I've…"

Matthias never finished his sentence.

Alfred stood silently in mourning at the loss of Slamzone, and its once-energetic representative.

.

.

.

.

.

"Fuck."


	12. Chapter 12

Alfred trudged back to the hotel and picked up the phone in his room.

"Alright, let's make this call to the Resistance."

He pressed the number 8 and waited.

"Pizza Hut."

"…Pizza Hut?"

"Yeah, you want some sort of pizza?"

"Pizza Hut still exists?

"Uh yeah I think so."

"Weird. I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong number."

"Soo… you don't want a big ol' pizza?

"Not from Pizza Hut," Alfred scoffed.

"Yeeaahh, our pizzas are pretty gross."

"Yep."

"They're so good though. It's like someone scraped up all the greasy shit from all the other pizzas and mashed them together."

"I'm gonna hang up now."

"Wait hold on a second. How about some pastas?"

"You sell pastas?"

"Yeah, all sorts of pastas."

"Okay, what's on your pastas menu?"

There was a pause as the person on the line put his hand over the receiver.

"Well, it's really just cheesy chicken or cheesy beef."

"I don't want either of those."

"How about some cheesy sticks?"

"I just don't want anything form pizza hut, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, we get that a lot"

"You get a lot of people calling and then not ordering?" Alfred asked incredulously.

"Yeah, kind of all the time."

"Huh."

There was an awkward silence.

"Hey, do you play Pokémon?"

"No."

"Oh. …You wanna talk about Pokémon?"

"Look, I've got a super important call to make," Alfred interrupted.

"Oh, are you calling about the resistance?"

"Yes?"

"You must be Heart of America. Sorry, I didn't realize it was you."

"So this isn't Pizza Hut?"

"No, it is Pizza Hut, I work here. But I'm also passing on messages from the resistance."

"Sure, why not?"

"I've got a location for you to go for pick up."

"Hold on, let me get a pen."

"It's 8."

"8," Alfred repeated, deadpan.

"Yeah. 8."

"That's the entire address?"

"Yep. Just go to 8."

"Well, okay then. Thanks for your help."

There was another awkward pause.

"Do you want me to send a pizza along with the driver?"

"No, do not do that."

Alfred stood beside the highway where he met Chessmate, looking left and right anxiously. Not seeing anything, he turned around to analyze the forest. Nothing out of the ordinary. He sighed.

"Stupid….8…"

There was a humming noise as a small silver car approached Alfred. It slowed down to a stop, and the driver rolled down the window.

"Well, I'm here; you better get quick," Gorslax said.

"Gorslax! You're in the Resistance?" Alfred exclaimed.

"Oh, I'm in lots of Resistances, among other things."

"Who's in charge of all this?"

"Just get in the goddamn car, it's dangerous out here right now!"

"Oh my god, I've been out here for like, 2 hours." Despite his grumbling, Alfred got in the car.

"Nice beige family Sudan you got here Gorslax," he commented.

"If only I had some fine leather seats for you to place your precious little asshole on."

"Alright, sorry, geez."

"What kind of music do you like?"

"I don't know."

"I like listening to death metal myself."

And with that, blaring guitar riffs and impossible drum solos filled the car.

"Oh my god."

"Now that is _smooth._ "

"Let's just get out of here."

Gorslax glanced out of the rear-view mirror.

"Uh oh, looks like we got a little buddy!"

"What? Who?" Alfred asked, turning around in his seat.

A few feet away from the car, a figure cloaked in swirls of darkness, bony fingers outstretched, approached slowly.

"Ah shit! It's an alien!"

"Yeah, they've been after us all day."

"It's getting closer! Step on it!" Alfred yelled.

"The car's not moving! I think it's got us in some sort of tractor beam."

"I don't see any tractor beams!"

"Well maybe the alien put sugar in our gas tank!"

"I don't think the alien pranked our ride!"

"Oh, it's getting real close now."

"Oh come on! I don't want to have to talk to Jesus about cubes again!"

"Wait a minute! Looks like I just had the parking brake on."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

"That is some classic Gorslax right there."

But before the car could move, before the alien could get any closer, a very large black suitcase fell from the sky, crushing and obliterating the alien. A familiar figure popped out of the suitcase.

"CHECKMATE, Heart of America!" Chessmate proclaimed.

Alfred rolled down the window and stuck his head out.

"Oh. Oh hey."

"No matter where you go, no matter who you become, I, Chessmate, will-"

"Alright, whatever. Let's go." Alfred withdrew his head, and the duo drove off.


	13. Chapter 13

"Well, here we are, the Resistance headquarters," Gorslax announced. Alfred looked up at a hotel.

"What?! This is where I'M staying!"

The two went in and up to the room.

"This is EXACTLY where I'm staying!" Alfred yelled, taking in the familiar furniture and the lack of a mint on the pillow.

"Yeah, well, you know, we could save a few bucks this way," Gorslax replied.

"Who is 'we'?"

"Hello again, Heart of America," said a familiar monotone voice.

"Norge?! What?!"

"Oh yeah, hey. I have no idea what's going on," greeted another familiar face.

"Oh shit! Arthur!" Alfred moved to Arthur's side. "Is Norge controlling your mind?"

"I don't think so. I don't think that's happening."

"It's all very complicated."

"Oh hey Ludwig," Alfred said.

"Hello."

"Welcome to the Resistance," Norge said.

"I'm not joining any resistance of yours, you destroyed America!"

"I will explain shortly. I believe you're already familiar with the baby."

"Oh nooo! I'm just a stupid babyyyyyy," The awkwardly vibrating baby whined.

"Yeah, I know that baby."

"Great." Norge cleared his throat. "Well then let me introduce you to those you don't know. The small sailor boy over there is Not A Country."

"My father's name was Not A Country! You can call me Is A Country!"

"Okay," Alfred deadpanned.

"The couple on the bed are Roderich and Elizabeta."

"Sup bro?" Elizabeta said.

"Nice to meet you," Roderich added.

"Well, look at Mr. Fancy over here."

"Well I'm sorry Elizabeta, for trying to be so polite!"

"Weird. You know, Liz, you kinda sound like Gorslax," Alfred commented.

"Oh shit, Gorslax is here?"

"Oh god," Roderich groaned.

Gorslax strolled up.

"Hey Elizabeta, how are you?"

"Friggin bored."

"Well, things are about to get pretty ridiculous."

"So you two know each other?" Alfred asked.

"You know the Horcruxes from Harry Potter?" Gorslax inquired.

"Those pieces of Voldemort's soul that he split off, to remain immortal?"

"Yeah, that's it! Basically Elizabeta's one of my Horcruxes."

"Weird."

"I'm like that big snake that eats all the good wizards!" Elizabeta chimed in.

"So what's going on here?!" Alfred demanded. "Why aren't we kicking Norge to death?"

"Because you are all targets of a greater enemy now," Norge replied. "Whatever you may think of me, or what I have done, there are powerful beings out there to destroy you. I am the only one who knows how to stop them."

"What do you think, Arthur?"

"I think I don't understand any of this well enough to give an informed answer."

"Well I say whaat? Nooooo! I'm just a stupid babyyyy."

"Why the baby?! Why is the baby here!?"

"Like I said, he's a target," Norge sighed. "Thanks to me, you're all targets."

"Except for me! I sorta just stumbled into this wacky situation!"

"Yes. Not A Country is here because Not A Country won't go away."

"Well if I wasn't here, who would be the funny guy?!"

"What aren't you telling us, Norge?" Alfred pressed.

"Nearly everything. I have kept and will continue to keep most of the important details to myself."

"Listen, I know I'm just old Gorslax, fifth dimensional demigod; but for what it's worth, I can sense wicked souls, but I don't sense one within Norge."

"Thank you, Gorslax. That brings me more comfort than you know."

"Alright, well, tell us everything that you can, America ASSASIN!"

"The beings who are out to kill you are trying to revert my work."

"That's what I'M trying to do!"

"If they succeed, the entire universe will be enslaved by them for all of time."

"Oh. Well I don't want that."

"I was not aware that they could follow me here. It was not within their capabilities. But thankfully, they have brought with them the instrument of their own destruction."

"What is this instrument you speak of?" Ludwig asked.

"Within me lies the ability to change reality. The invaders have a device with similar capabilities. But theirs can make irreversible damage."

"Why are they after us?" Arthur questioned.

"They don't know which of us has been changing reality. Methods for tracking such things are crude."

"So we're all in danger because you're too sneaky?" Alfred deadpanned.

"And because they are capable of, and willing to kill every person on this planet to find me."

"Uh OHHH!" Not A Country shouted.

"Oh my god, SHUT UP!" Elizabeta shouted back.

"Yes, that is rather distracting."

"It looks like somebody needs a time-out! Uh ohh, that somebody is mee!"

"I hate everything about Fug!" Alfred proclaimed. "The country, and its terrible people!"

"It appears you were not alone," Norge added. "It was only after the Fug colonies came into existence that the invaders took notice. I seem to be very close to finishing my work."

"So what's the plan, Norge?" Ludwig asked.

"The invaders have set up a base of operations in town at a nearby J.W. Marriott."

"They're staying at the J.W. Marriott?!" Alfred exclaimed.

"Yes. The J.W. Marriott provides all the luxuries and amenities an invading force could require. It was a perfect choice."

"I can't believe the aliens are staying at a nicer hotel than I am!"

"They are not aliens, exactly. It's hard to explain."

"I'm telling the chief 'Hey! You want me continue fighting alien crime? You better get me a room at the J.W.'"

There was an awkward pause.

"Moving on. Tomorrow, we will launch an assault on the hotel. Once inside, I will search their room for an access device that will teleport me to their control nexus."

"You sure know a lot about these invaders," Arthur commented.

"I do. I know nearly everything about them."

"So is everyone going along with this? Because I'm not convinced that kicking Norge in the face is not the better option."

"Yeah, I feel weird about how little information we've been given, considering the risks," Roderich agreed.

"Are you sure you're not just boring?"

"Excuse me, Elizabeta, for trying not be led into a giant trap!"

"We're going to be invading a J.W. Marriott, who cares if it's a trap?! It still sounds like a pretty good day, Roderich!"

"You have all witnessed the power of these beings," Norge interrupted before things could get out of hand, "They are after you. Helping me is your best chance for survival."

"I suppose I am in. Invading a luxury hotel sounds like a blast," Ludwig said.

"Sure, count me in too," Arthur added.

"I believe I've made my position known," Elizabeta declared.

"I'll sleep on it," Roderich said.

"Are you kidding me?!"

"Fine! Whatever, I'm in."

"I know I'm in!" Gorslax piped up.

"I'm just a stupid babyyyyyyy."

"Well it sounds like the yays have it!" Not A Country yelled.

"Alright, if you're all in, I'm in. But I'm watching you, Norge," Alfred warned. "And we're going to have a long talk about America when this is all over."

"We can have it now. It's only 4pm. We have a lot of time before tomorrow."

"Oh. Okay. America is great. Bring it back."

There was a short pause.

"Is that all you wanted to say?"

"Well, when I said 'long talk', I meant that I wanted to kick you in the face."

"Oh."

"I guess I'll just do that tomorrow."


	14. Chapter 14

Alfred lay awake in bed, silently watching his sleeping companions. Carefully, he got out of bed and crept towards Norge.

 _THIS IS FOR AMERICA!_

Alfred made to leap at Norge. However, a small grey tablet-looking device poking out of Norge's pocket caught his attention. Curious, he stole the tablet and retreated to the far corner of the room to look at it. It automatically turned on, revealing an alien.

"Oh shit!"

"Greetings. I am Ruhtra, grand master of the Open Universe Society. This message is playing because you have attempted to destroy an Ylem Arranger and I would like for you to reconsider.

The Ylem. The building blocks of existence. The substance with which everything in the universe was formed. In Earth's future, we have mastered the manipulation of Ylem. We can control existence itself; shape it to our will. This has caused ten years in omnipresent tyranny. There is no free will. Only the prime will. Some amongst us believe that the universe should be open, free. But there can be no freedom when complete control exists. In secret, the Open Universe Society built our own Ylem Arranger and developed a technique for shifting its existence through time. You stand before the evidence of our success.

The Ouya. An intelligent arranger built with the strictest of ethical safeguards. Its singular purpose is to manipulate reality until my people are no longer your future. To commit repeated genocide against civilizations because the alternative is somehow unspeakably worse.

Please. If the Ouya is unsuccessful, then total universe tyranny is an inevitability. This is our final chance."

The tablet shut off. Alfred clutched his head.

"Oh my god, I don't get it. I'm going back to sleep."

The light of the morning sun streamed through the window, bathing the hotel room in a warm glow. From his position in bed, Alfred stirred and stretched, yawning. He opened his eyes to find an alien standing at the foot of his bed.

"OH NOOO!" He yelled, falling off the edge of his bed in surprise.

"They found us! They're here!" Arthur shouted.

"Oh god, I didn't sign up for this!" Not A Country exclaimed. "Wait a minute! I DID sign up for-" The child didn't get to finish his sentence as he was touched by an alien, exploding in a shower of his own blood.

"Shit! Emergency situation!" Alfred turned to Norge. "What do I do?!"

"We need to get to the J.W. Marriott. Everyone who can, meet me there." Norge was propelled backwards as he came into contact with another alien. He didn't die, but he lied on the floor, unconscious.

"I don't think any of us are getting out of this room alive," Ludwig stated calmly.

"Well, this might be it, Elizabeta," Roderich said. The couple had locked the bathroom door, and were sitting in the bathtub.

"Yeah, it's funny," she replied. "I always thought it would be me that killed us. Trying to summon a demon or some shit."

"Ja, me too."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I roped you into this."

"It's fine, I knew what I was getting into."

There was a pause.

"I love you, Elizabeta."

"I love you too, Roderich."

"Oh nooo! I really was just a stupid babyyyyy," the baby said as he exploded via the alien's rotting finger. Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light that lit up the hotel room.

"Oh, old Gorslax has gotten himself stuck in another time vortex again, and what a time for it, too!"

"Heart of America, just fly out the window!" Arthur yelled.

"What?!"

"Fly out the window! Get to the J.W. Marriott!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot!"

America burst out the window. By some mysterious force, he sailed through the air with no effort.

"I HAVE SHARK POWERS! Yeah, screw you window! What do windows do anyway?"

Alfred flew over pastures with livestock, past mountains, and over city landscapes of the nation that would soon be America once again.

 _This is what freedom looks like when it is set free. I am one with the wind, and the bugs. And the earth. And all the leaves. And fish. And…panthers. Oh hey, there it is: the J.W. Marriott. I guess I'll just…Pick a window. For America!_

Alfred neared the window.

 _Easy does it… I still gotta nail the landing._

Alfred landed standing perfectly in the middle of the room.

"Whoa, nice room."

"I'm glad you made it," came a weak voice from on the bed.

"Oh shit, Norge! You're alive! Well, mostly. How did you get here?"

"One benefit of receiving a blast of energy like that is having the power to teleport. The downside is that I'm going to die soon."

"Oh no!"

Norge sighed. "It's all right. I wasn't meant to survive all this. And my task is almost complete."

"Sorry I kicked you last night….In the face…I feel bad about that now because you're dying."

"We don't have much time. The invaders have hidden an access point somewhere in this room. You need to find it."

"An access point to what?"

"It's a sort of armoury. It contains what we need to stop them."

"Okay…Well, I'll take a look around."

Alfred headed into the bathroom.

"I'm checking the soaps," he called out. He threw the small bottles onto the floor. "Uh, I don't think it's in the soaps."

"Try the mirrors," Norge suggested from the bed.

"Is like, one of them gonna be a portal or something?" Alfred asked, touching his reflection as if it were an alien.

"Something like that," Norge agreed.

"I don't think it's in the mirror. I don't feel a connection to myself like I usually do. I'm gonna try something else."

"Okay."

"I bet it's the toilet, like in Harry Potter."

"I don't think it's the toilet."

"Remember in Harry Potter, where they flush themselves into the Ministry of Magic?"

"No. I do not remember."

There was a sound of the toilet flushing.

"Yeah, I don't think it's the toilet," Alfred mused, his feet now soaking wet. "It's not like Harry Potter."

There was a pause. Then there was the sound of more running water.

"I'm gonna take a bath real quick."

"We don't have time for that."

"I need to take a bath. I feel really gross after stepping in hotel toilet water."

"Please. I'm running out of time."

"Woah, whoa. Something's happening! Something's happening!"

Alfred was engulfed in a red light. It pulsed, then disappeared, taking Alfred and Norge along with it.

The two males appeared what Alfred thought was an endless void of blue.

"It was the bathtub," he said.

"Good job. You did it."

Unable to tell whether Norge was being sarcastic or not, Alfred continued talking.

"Are we there? This looks kind of like nowhere."

"Not yet. Almost." There was a pause. "Ah. Here it is."

There was a bright flash of light, and a giant gleaming metal heart standing on legs of tin foil came into view.

"Whoa," Alfred breathed.

"This is it. This is the source of their control. The heart of their machine."

"It looks like a literal heart."

"This entire system was designed by slaves. It is my understanding that the heart shape was a small, final act of defiance."

There was another pause.

"I don't get it."

"Luckily, neither did the oppressors."

"So this thing can like, change the world and stuff?"

"It does what I do. It manipulates the fabric of reality. It rewrites existence. But it goes a step further: It scars that fabric, preventing it from being changed again."

"Man."

"I need you to lift me to the heart. I can no longer move on my own."

"What are you gonna do with it?"

"I am going to make one final change to the universe. I am going to prevent devices such as this from ever working in the first place."

"Will that bring America back?"

"It will ensure the place I come from never happens. That no one is ever able to possess such complete control."

"But will it bring America back?" Alfred repeated, a little more forcefully.

"No. But if you truly care about freedom, real freedom, this is the only way."

Suddenly, Alfred was hit with a realization.

"Oh my god. I understand now."

"You do?"

"Those visions. My purpose. I didn't get till just this moment."

"What are you talking about?" Norge sounded apprehensive.

"There IS another way, Norge! There is ALWAYS another way!"

There was a flash of light. Heroic music started playing.

"No, please," Norge protested. Alfred and the heart started rising in midair.

"I know how to bring America back! I have to make the WHOLE WORLD America!"

"You don't understand what you're doing!"

"I do, Norge! I know you come from a place without America, (which is the saddest thing I can think of), but that won't be a problem for anyone ever again!"

Suddenly, the void they were in flashed with red, white, and blue, stars and stripes. An image of the Statue of Liberty appeared, along with Mount Rushmore. Wild stallions appeared too.

"Please. Stop," Norge cried out.

"You can't stop freedom! Not when it's this strong! I'm going to send pure American freedom to every inch of the planet!"

"Please….please…"

"Think about it! A perfect world: the United World of America!"

Norge closed his eyes in resignation. "I have failed. I'm...so…sorry."

"AMERICAAAAA!"

There was another bright flash.

All across the world, things were changing. The Eiffel Tower turned into the Statue of Liberty. Big Ben morphed into a vertical Mount Rushmore. In Egypt, the Sphinx's head turned into an eagle. The World Trade Center in New York appeared, along with nine others. Africa's landmass changed into one resembling the country of the United States. Australia turned into the US, too. It happened to the moon as well. Cowboys standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon will look out onto the many World Trade Centers with the USA Moon hanging low in the night sky.

 _And that is the story of how the world was reborn, and how I saved America forever._

For his heroism, Alfred, Detective Heart of America, was awarded a two-night stay at the J.W. Marriott. He continues fighting crime, and is working to spread the glory and love of America throughout the universe.

Ludwig started his own aerospace company and is currently designing intergalactic ships for the United World of America government.

Arthur turned in his gun and his badge and now works as head of Ludwig's company, where he has a space gun and a time badge.

Gorslax was sucked into the vortex and found it was filled with slightly smaller vortices.

Jesus finally had enough cube energy and sphere juice to power the recreation centre.

Everyone else died.

THE END

 **A/N:** So there we have it! I hope you enjoyed it, because I don't know if I did. I was also thinking of making an Undertale version of this, so if you'd like to see that, let me know. Although I highly doubt anyone will, because this really isn't that popular and nobody cares. Well, goodbye then.


End file.
